You know that Joe Jordan who sits next to Harry Redknapp on the Spurs bench each week? I've not taken my eye off football for 35 years - but I must've missed something.
Because that Joe Jordan on the Spurs bench can't possibly be the toothless Braveheart of Leeds, Manchester United and Scotland fame, can it?
I mean, after every game twentysomething Joe Jordan would tackle a live raging bull in the Elland Road dressing room and eat its hind leg - while it was still alive. Billy Bremner would hide behind him!
Mel Gibson isn't man enough to play Joe.
Today's Jordan speaks just above a whimper - and only eats solids before 5pm.
I know Phil Thompson's changed his act since his "calm down, calm down" days as a permed Liverpool legend.
But it's still him. Pinocchio doesn't change his spots.
Nope, sorry. That just can't be Joe Jordan. Maybe Jordan is dead - just like Paul McCartney. Maybe the Joe Jordan sitting next to 'Arry is the Billy Shears of football.
Still no idea, Jeff.
Shears was reputedly the secret winner of a Macca lookalike competition, set up to replace dead Paul in the Beatles in the late sixties.
The One and Only Billy Shears!
And like Macca's questionnable songwriting skills after 1970, Jordan's rendition of "Nice One Cyril" is nowhere near as good as his seventies chanting of the "Leeds United Calypso".